I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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