My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
