New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
