dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
