You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
