Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
