He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
we're making bets on your personal life
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
