He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
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Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
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Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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