I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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