i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
