Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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