she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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