Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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