i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
