I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
