My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
