I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
