Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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