and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
