i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
