the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
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don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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