Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
