I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
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Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
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it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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