I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
