Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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