The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
