i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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