the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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