So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
