I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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