I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
