just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
