If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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