i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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