Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
