Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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