my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
