I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
