You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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