When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize