I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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