Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
