At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
