just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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