She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
