she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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