First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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