My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
