could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
did i just pee glitter
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
