if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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