last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
