So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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