I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
