I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
